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E.D. Contact goes On-Line!

E.D. Contact is a new and positive Information Resource created by and for Families and Individuals living with Eating Distress in Ireland.


 


 

 

Megan

 

I believe that I was born with an eating disorder. I always used food to abuse myself and then when I was diagnosed with diabetes at 13, things got even worse. I have been in nine different psychiatric hospitals and through two eating disorder programmes twice. I have been on loads of medications to keep my mind and body working or semi-working. Iíve even attempted suicide a few times. I remember so many nights begging God to keep me from waking up the next morning!

 

By the time I was 15, it was obvious that I had a problem. Iíd stopped eating and taking my insulin. I went to skin and bone very quickly. I was told to eat even when I didnít want to Ė I felt totally out of control. To me, thinness meant control. It was my one priority in life. To try and lose weight, I was taking laxatives, blacking out and getting weak tingling sensations because of my bodyís constantly low blood-sugar levels. The laxatives were soon supplemented with Prozac, tranquillisers and any other medication deemed necessary to make me appear outwardly normal.

I was walking around like a zombie, drugged out of my mind. No one was interested in what was going on in my head. No one understood the absolutely insurmountable anger that used to sweep over me. They all thought that I was just unstable and wanted to be left alone when all I really wanted was for someone to hug me and tell me they understood the hell I was enduring.

An eating distress acts like a virus. It lies dormant for a long time, eating at your mind like a virus infiltrating your cells and eventually it personifies itself. This is the Ďcrisis point.í This is when the rational mind breaks down. The eating disorder becomes apparent and the body shrinks creating a wasted and destroyed human frame. You emerge a shell of the person that you were once recognised.

Youíre now in the hands of a clumsy-evil child, like the bully that tries to break you with words in the playground. Sometime later, depending on how long you tolerate the bully, you will fall apart to such an extent that you realise you desperately need to build the blocks of your person. But the blocks that have been scattered far and wide making the task all the more difficult.

Iím in the process of putting together those blocks. Sometimes the cement does not set. Bricks sometimes fall to the ground. Other times the bricklaying is simple, less strenuous. However, the only person that can build this wall is me. It pisses me off sometimes because I can see how I want the wall to turn out and it isnít easy. Hiring a builder is the equivalent of seeking the quick fix. Hospitalisation and medications are the real life quick-fixes and 9 times out of 10 these prove fatal. I know that from experience.

Now that I am getting better I want to help other people. Recovery isnít possible- itís definite! You just have to take it one day at a time, live for today, and then you can work on tomorrow.
Recovering, Age 24

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