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Let There be Light

 

Up until recently, I honestly didnít know that I existed, I didnít know that I had a voice, I didnít know that I had wants and needs, likes and dislikes. I didnít know that I mattered and that I have every right to be here, to breath this air, to write this letter. I always thought I was worthless, never good enough, bad, the family shame, looser, loner etcÖ just never ever good enough for anyone or anything. I had long forgotten who I was, what I was, I hid my true self away from the world, away from myself by allowing a false me (eating distress) to take me over and run my life. I believed that this false person was me, I was sure of it, I truly hated this person, I was miserable, controlled by food and negative behaviours. I lived in a bubble, a vicious self destructive bubble which ironically I kind of believed was safe. I identified with this, I adored it in some ways and loathed in other ways. I knew nothing else only the life that my condition allowed me to live, I soaked every little thing it said to me, I fed of it. I believed every word and why wouldnít I, it is me isnít it, I am the one in control of everything in my life??? BUT NO I AM NOT. I can finally say and believe that I am not eating distress. It took me a while to believe it, it just seemed too easy to blame something else, I mean its my fault, it is me isnít it?? NO IT IS NOT ME, I AM NOT MY CONDITION.

With the correct help and support I slowly began to realise that I, as a person do exist, I am an entire different person to the person who was the condition. Finally I am beginning to see the light, what started with a dark, old, cold, smelly, dreary, damp empty room is now starting to change. Its starting as a small speck of light way beyond, is now getting bigger and bigger, closer and closer. Some day this light will surround me and I know it wont leave. I know the darkness will be gone, I feel it, I believe it. What was once an old, dark, smelly, dreary damp room will be filled with light, warmth and love. And I know that if I can see it then believe me everyone else can too, we all can and I will make sure to spread this light, to share it and show others, encourage others to see this light, this beautiful light because we can. This is the beginning of ones own life journey, this is a learning guide to get to know who the real me is and to learn to appreciate, understand and love her. Doesnít this sound exciting??

There are a lot of things I want from now on as I know that I deserve them. Through my journey of self development I am learning that full recovery from eating distress is possible, is attainable, just is. I know that it is not me or who I am. I am getting to know what I like and donít like. I am learning that life isnít all about food, calories and weight. I am learning to enjoy the good times and to handle the not so good times in a constructive non destructible way. I am learning to value myself, my body, my mind and my health well being. I am learning about nourishment and energy and am slowly beginning to learn how to look after my self, appreciate me and my body, and be comfortable with myself no matter what shape or size I am. At times I do feel very frustrated, confused, alone, angry etc... I want to feel loved, and to show love, I donít want to be afraid anymore. I want to know that its ok to feel angry sometimes, to feel confused, to be alone but I want to deal with these feelings in a more constructive non destructive way, I donít want to ignore them, I donít want to be confused by them, I donít want to bottle them up. I am slowly learning more about myself and who I am. I am learning about my values as a person and not placing my values in material things like work, money or my appearance (my size).

I want to know and feel that having a title, being active, successful, thin, married does not define who you are and make you a better person. I want to like myself; I want to know that I am ok. I donít want to feel so guilty or ashamed or down or useless anymore. I donít want to think so many negative things anymore. I want to open my eyes and appreciate life and myself. I am now doing all this and more, I know now that I have a great future ahead of me but I am living this future now. I am forgetting the past, living in the present and making small steps in the present to get to what I want in the future. But now I am learning to live. To enjoy and appreciate this day, as it will never come around again, we have one life, one precious life to live. Each day is a blessing, a gift to enjoy, each day is new day, a chance to start your life again. It is never too late.

If I can touch the heart of just one person, create a little light inside them, give them the slightest bit of hope that they are not alone, that they are not unloved, mad, bad, useless, that they are ok, that they are wonderful, special unique people. I donít want to blame, use or moan about what I went through, I want to see my ED as a gift, as something that will bring out the best in me and that I have gone through it for a reason. I want to stand tall. I want to smile. I want to feel.

AND I WILL.

 

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